Syrine Ben Ayed - Week 1 - Weaving My Dance Through Life's Canvas
I am a female North African immigrant. Or I should say, a white-passing North African immigrant.
In 2012, amidst the echoes of the Jasmine Revolution in my homeland, Tunisia, my family and I sought refuge in the lands of America. Leaving the only family we had ever known behind, with tears streaming down our cheeks and my doll clutched to my chest, we began our journey to the United States, with hope for a future where a proper education was within reach and safety was not a luxury.
As fate would have it, we found our future home in the Bay Area, where streaks of gold and bronze of the predominant Asian community formed the background of my childhood. And frankly, I felt like I was a belonging subtle brush stroke amidst many on the canvas, this tapestry that had started to feel like home; my Desi friends and neighbors of the gold and bronze hues, my new family.
It was in my formative years, however, as I neared my final years of elementary, that things began to shift. I started to notice the true differences between my complexion and my neighbors, losing my innocence–or perhaps I finally peeled back the layers that had left me blinded. It hit me that amidst this beautiful tapestry, I was in fact not a subtle brush stroke but a lost white speck. How could one feel so comfortable and at home but feel like an outsider at the same time? An outsider to the old community I had forever grown up with, and an outsider to the new lighter strokes I encountered too, because they didn’t seem to dance to the same rhythm, our steps and strokes mismatched.
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| Dancing Brush Strokes |
As I entered high school, I encountered a new atmosphere in which there existed a more profound tension that ran deeper than 2D hues dancing across a canvas. With my outcast color, seemed to emerge these new preconceived notions and biases. Insecurity crept in as I tried to distance myself from the label of being "white." The phrase "I'm not white, I'm Tunisian" became a common refrain during those early years; a crutch, a reminder of my cultural heritage, but perhaps, too, a plea for acceptance in a world that only saw skin color. And truly, behind my dance steps was a stronger purpose; a need to prove myself. But it felt like no matter how close I felt to the gold and bronze that I felt like I knew since forever, and as hard as I danced, I would never quite fit in. I was a lost white speck; a misplaced star among constellations.
–Or that’s what I thought…But I was wrong. Why was I trying to fit in? Where lies the beauty in conformity? Amidst the intricate interplay of hues on life's canvas, I’ve discovered the strength in embracing my unique brushstroke, in dancing with Pride across the vibrant canvas; in taking leaps and twirls and plies and painting my own trace of individuality. The dance steps that once seemed lost and disconnected found harmony in the rhythm of my own authenticity.
The imagery you use to describe how you felt like an outcast in the community you called home makes your writing much more captivating. Having to feel like you need to prove your identity in order to fit into your community must have been exhausting, and I am happy you found peace in embracing your strengths. Comparing your place in your community with brush strokes and dancing makes your blog much more illustrative, and I hope you continue to use descriptive imagery and diction.
ReplyDeleteHi Syrine, I truly admire your blog and the way you were able to paint an entire picture in my head throughout your writing. Although I cannot relate to your experiences as a white passing immigrant in the Bay Area, comparing your feelings about your place in society to brush strokes on a painting really gave me a new perspective and made me understand your emotions. It is heartbreaking that you felt like an outsider which I could relate to when I first moved to a white area of America as the only Indian. It is also terrible that you felt like you had to constantly reinstate your culture while others were undermining it but it is truly inspiring to know that despite these bad experiences, you were able to come out stronger and with a more positive mindset.
ReplyDeleteHi Syrine! Your blog provided a lot of insight into your struggle with your culture and identity, especially after coming to a new country with a completely different environment, and I think that it is great how you learned to embrace yourself and your unique identity. Also, I like your vivid imagery, and I think that it enhances the quality of the reader's reading experience by a lot. In addition, I like how you constantly referred back to the analogy of your internal journey as a painting, as it created a very cohesive and satisfying style of writing.
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